by Allison Carr | Nov 11, 2013 | Uncategorized
We are all desperately lacking in mentorship. One of the biggest needs that I see among my readers and patients is the need for better mentors.
Who doesn’t want someone to guide them along the path, notice their strengths and give them some compassion when it comes to their weaknesses?
We are living in a time of abundance when it comes to spiritual teachers, but how do you move from having a teacher to having a mentor? More often than not we feel like we have to wait to be chosen by our mentors, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Mentorship takes effort on your part, it is something you can cultivate and create in your life.
Where to start:
First get clear on what kind of mentorship works best for you. Start with the teachers already in your life, some of them are going to be more directive, some of them more passive. What style works for you? Do you want someone directing you, and possibly having a say in the choices you make? Or do you do better when someone lets you figure it out for yourself? Do you need a challenger to call you on your bullshit? or do you need someone who is going to be soft and accepting even when you mess up? Also how do you resonate with your teachers ethically? Do you respect how they live their lives? Do they have integrity in your eyes? It’s important going into a deeper relationship with a teacher that they be in alignment with your values.
Once you’ve identified teacher who have the potential to be good mentors for you, the next move is up to you.
Focus on Giving
Approach with what you can give, rather than what you can get. Offer to help them where they need it most. Notice what they could use help with and make your offer specific. If you just give a blanket “if you ever need help with anything” offer, you are likely to get ignored. It’s too vague. Offer specific skills you know you excel at. “you know I could organize that class list for you” or ” I could set up your email list in an easier way” or “I can bring you lunch so you don’t have to worry about it”. Feeding my mentors is one of my favorite ways to give back to my teachers, it always helps when they know they don’t have to worry about food in addition to a long day of teaching.
Two things are true of most teachers, one, they love to teach, two they are too busy already. To make it easy on them approach them with things you are curious about. Make it easy for them to teach you more, ask questions. Do the work for them, don’t make them come up with the lesson plan. Approach them with concrete idea of what else you want to learn from them, and a suggestion for how it could be accomplished. Offer to do some of the ground work, like organizing other students. Most teachers are thrilled when students want more from them. Don’t take it personally if they don’t have time, consider the seed planted and be patient.
Be persistent:
One of the biggest things I see is that people give up, if at first they aren’t welcomed with open arms. Be respectful, but also be persistent. If you are giving back, and making life easier for your mentor, its ok to let them know you are still excited to learn more from them. D0n’t give up if your first request is denied. Teachers get all kinds of requests, sometimes you have to demonstrate that you are serious, in order to be taken seriously.
What are ways you have found mentorship in your life? What has worked, and what has failed? Leave a comment below.
Allison Carr LAc believes that healing yourself makes the world a better place. Learn more about her work and classes at http://allisoncarr.net/
by Allison Carr | Jul 18, 2013 | Uncategorized
We all want it: connection, community, our ‘tribe’, to feel like we belong. One of the most common things people tell me they long for, is a sense of spiritual community. Not only finding a belief system they resonate with, but being able to share it with others. And why not? I have found that some of the most intense and profound experiences I’ve had with other humans has been in a shared spiritual context.
But if you aren’t into organized religion, how do you find a group of like-minded people to have spiritual connection with?
In this article we are going to discuss some of the most common pitfalls that keep us from the community we crave.
Don’t assume it will just come to you.
Just like getting a date, finding a job or finishing a project, this isn’t going to just happen on its own. You will have to put some hard work and commitment into finding your community. Put yourself out there, find classes, meditation groups, or gatherings where you are likely to meet others that share your beliefs. Test the waters. Forming community takes time, and a willingness to engage. This doesn’t mean you can’t ask your spirit guides for help, or say a prayer for what you want, it just means that you are also going to have to take some human action.
Don’t be too picky at first.
When you are first getting started don’t rule out opportunities just because they aren’t an exact fit. That goddess group may not be exactly your cup of tea, but you may meet some folks there who feel the same as you. Go with an open mind however, don’t go just to trash an event, or talk shit about it afterwards. At the same time don’t stick with something that really doesn’t resonate with you. See if you can find the balance between trying new things, and being honest with yourself when it’s just not for you.
Don’t propose on the first date.
All too often we are so eager and thirsty for spiritual community we go in looking to form commitment before even getting to know someone. If you find yourself going to meditation groups, classes, or public rituals for the sole purpose of finding people to form a group with, you may be coming on too strong, and missing the gifts available to you. You would never propose marriage on the first date, so why would you expect someone to commit to a deeply intimate connection with you on the first meeting. Test the waters, go slowly, get to know people before proposing you all form a coven and become blood sisters.
Don’t assume that having spiritual commonality will protect you from human drama.
We would like to believe that when we are dealing with folks on a spiritual plane that we can bypass all the petty shit that gets in the way of normal friendships. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In my experience, our vulnerability increases dramatically when engaging in spiritual activity with others, and often so does our bad behavior as we sometimes seek to cover for our weaknesses by acting out. Before joining any group, or forming one of your own, ask yourself how well you know the folks involved. Are you likely to be supported and treated kindly when your shit comes up? How well do they deal with their own shit, and are they willing to take responsibility when they act out?
Don’t try to control the process.
Unless you are trying to form a cult, you will need to relinquish some control over how things unfold. You may have the perfect idea of how best to form community, or make commitments with others, but you don’t always know best. True community is based on a shared value system, where everyone is honored for their unique gifts. In my practice we have a belief that each person present in the group is holding a very important piece of the puzzle and that we wouldn’t be complete without them. This ensures that everyone’s perspective is valued and no one person has all the authority. Trust that when others show up, they are there for a reason, and when they can’t be there it is also for a reason.
So how do you do it?
Put yourself out there, meet other people and then start slow. Invite folks over for a casual solstice dinner, or new moon ritual. Don’t get too heavy or too deep at first. See who sticks around, who do you have commonality with, who does it feel like you can trust. Don’t take it personally if folks aren’t ready, just find the ones who are. Also recognize that no one person needs to be everything to everybody. Certain folks may be great for a causal dinner, but not the types you want to book a weekend meditation retreat at the beach with. Other people may be the type that you can spend hours going incredibly deep with, but they don’t get along with your other friends. It takes all kinds of people to form community.
In what ways do you struggle with finding spiritual community? Leave a comment below, and don’t forget to share this article on Facebook and Twitter if it resonates with you.
Allison Carr LAc believes that healing yourself makes the world a better place. Learn more about her work and classes at http://allisoncarr.net/
photo credit: AlicePopkorn via photopin cc
